The No BS Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries in Real Life (2023)

The No BS Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries in Real Life (1)

Our personal boundaries aren’t as obvious as a fence or a giant “no trespassing” sign, unfortunately. They’re more like invisible bubbles.

Even though personal boundaries can be challenging to navigate, setting and communicating them is essential for our health, well-being, and even our safety.

“Boundaries give a sense of agency over one’s physical space, body, and feelings,” says Jenn Kennedy, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “We all have limits, and boundaries communicate that line.”

We can set boundaries for our

  • personal space
  • sexuality
  • emotions and thoughts
  • stuff or possessions
  • time and energy
  • culture, religion, and ethics

Setting boundaries for yourself and honoring the boundaries of others isn’t a textbook science, but you can learn ways to take charge of your life. Whether you want to set clearer rules with your family or assert your space when it comes to strangers, here’s how to get started.

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The word “boundary” can be a bit misleading. It conveys the idea of keeping yourself separate. But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or professional.

1. Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem

“Boundaries protect relationships from becoming unsafe. In that way, they actually bring us closer together than farther apart, and are therefore necessary in any relationship,” says Melissa Coats, a licensed professional counselor.

Having boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority, whether that’s in self-care, career aspirations, or within relationships.

2. Boundaries can be flexible

Don’t draw your boundaries in permanent ink. It’s good to think about them occasionally and reassess.

(Video) The NO B.S Guide for Empaths to Set Boundaries and say NO without feeling guilty (life-changing)

“When boundaries are too rigid or inflexible, problems can occur,” says Maysie Tift, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

You don’t want to isolate yourself, avoid closeness altogether, or give up all your time to others. Creating boundaries that are too bendy is often common for women.

Tift highlights the possibility that taking “an overly sacrificing approach to relationships creates imbalance or exploitation.”

3. Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional energy

“Your self-esteem and identity can be impacted, and you build resentment toward others because of an inability to advocate for yourself,” explains Justin Baksh, a licensed mental health counselor.

You don’t need to have the same boundaries or comfort level for everyone. Boundaries that let us have a different radius depending on the situation or person can also help you maintain enough energy to care for yourself.

Understand that just because you may be happy to lend a hand to your best friend on moving day doesn’t mean you also have to do the heavy emotional lifting when someone texts about their latest drama.

4. Boundaries give us space to grow and be vulnerable

We all deal with complex feelings when life happens. By setting boundaries and then breaking them, when the time is right, you’re showing your vulnerability.

This could be as simple as talking openly to friends and family. When we display our vulnerability to someone, we let them know that they’re welcome to open up to us sometime when they need to.

But vulnerability and oversharing are different. Shared vulnerability brings people closer together over time. Oversharing, on the other hand, can use drama to manipulate, hold another person emotionally hostage, or force the relationship in one direction.

TMI red flags

  • posting personal rants and attacks on social media
  • no filter or regard to who gets a download of daily dramas
  • sharing personal details with new people in hopes of hurrying the friendship along
  • dominated, one-sided conversations
  • expecting on-call emotional therapy from friends and family

Learning this difference is also a critical part of setting and communicating boundaries. The occasional overshare isn’t a crime. We’re all likely guilty of a little harmless TMI now and then. But if you suspect you’re doing it regularly, you could be trampling other people’s boundaries.

We can’t just search on Etsy for a set of hand-knit boundaries to make our own. Boundaries are a deeply personal choice and vary from one person to the next, and we shape them throughout our lives.

Our boundaries are shaped by

  • our heritage or culture
  • the region we live in or come from
  • whether we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between
  • our life experiences
  • our family dynamics
(Video) EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES - a complete guide to setting, protecting & understanding healthy boundaries

“We have all come from unique families of origin,” Kennedy explains. “We each make different meaning of situations. And we may change our own boundaries over the years as we mature and our perspective shifts. One standard cannot hold for all. Rather, each person needs to find that level of comfort within themselves.”

You can investigate and define your boundaries with self-reflection.

1. What are your rights?

“It is important in setting boundaries to identify your basic human rights,” says Judith Belmont, mental health author and licensed psychotherapist. She offers the following examples.

Basic rights

  • I have a right to say no without feeling guilty.
  • I have a right to be treated with respect.
  • I have a right to make my needs as important as others.
  • I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and failures.
  • I have a right not to meet others’ unreasonable expectations of me.

Once you identify your rights and choose to believe in them, you’ll find honoring them easier. When you honor them, you’ll stop spending energy pacifying or pleasing others who dishonor them.

2. What does your gut tell you?

Your instincts can help you determine when someone is violating your boundaries or when you need to set one up.

“Check in with your body (heart rate, sweating, tightness in chest, stomach, throat) to tell you what you can handle and where the boundary should be drawn,” Kennedy says.

Maybe you clench your fists when your roommate borrows your new coat, for example. Or you tighten your jaw when your relatives ask about your dating life.

3. What are your values?

Your boundaries also relate to your moral philosophy, Baksh says. He recommends identifying 10 important values. Then narrow that list to five, or even three.

“Reflect on how often those three are challenged, tread upon, or poked in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable,” he says. “This lets you know if you have strong and healthy boundaries or not.”

Have you ever felt out of place or exhausted because of someone else? Someone might’ve just crossed your boundary without knowing what it was.

Here’s how to draw your lines with confidence.

(Video) Setting Personal Boundaries: How To Set Boundaries For Your Business And Personal Life | #026

1. Be assertive

“If someone sets boundaries with assertiveness, it feels firm but kind to others,” Kennedy says. “If they push in to aggressive, it feels harsh and punishing to others. Assertive language is clear and nonnegotiable, without blaming or threatening the recipient.”

You can be assertive by using “I statements.”

How to use I statements

I feel ____ when _____ because ____________________________.
What I need is ______________________________________________.

Belmont says, “I statements show confidence and good boundary setting by expressing thoughts, feelings, and opinions without worrying what others are thinking.”

Effective communicationIneffective communication
I feel violated when you read my journal because I value privacy. What I need is a space that I know is private to record my thoughts.Keep your hands off my journal!
I feel overwhelmed when every minute of our vacation is planned. What I need is some time just to relax and see what happens.You’re making this vacation exhausting, and I don’t want to do all the things you’ve planned.

2. Learn to say no

Even though it can be daunting to say, “No” is a complete sentence.

We might be hesitant to say no without offering more info, but it’s not necessary, adds Steven Reigns, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Sometimes assertiveness isn’t needed for boundary setting as much as personal tolerance for being uncomfortable.”

You can say no without an explanation and without providing any emotional labor to the person you’re saying it to.

If someone asks for your number or to dance, you can absolutely just say no. If a co-worker asks you to cover their shift, you can also say no, without offering any excuse.

3. Safeguard your spaces

You can also set boundaries for your stuff, physical and emotional spaces, and your time and energy without necessarily announcing it, too.

The features on your tech devices offer some ways of doing this.

Savvy boundary safeguards

  • Put private items in a locked drawer or box.
  • Use a password-protected digital journal instead of a paper one.
  • Schedule nonnegotiable alone time or time when you’re just doing your own thing.
  • Use passwords, codes, or other security features on devices and tech accounts.
  • Set a cut-off time for answering emails or texts.
  • Use the “out of office” responder on email accounts when on vacation.
  • Send verification of your time off days in advance.
  • Temporarily delete email and messaging apps when you don’t want to be contacted.
  • Use the Do Not Disturb feature on your phone and other devices.
  • Make a promise to yourself not to respond to work messages or calls sent to personal accounts.

New research shows we should take time to tune out. One study reports that just the expectation that we should be available to answer work email during nonwork time frames can decrease our well-being and create conflict in our relationships. So set boundaries for work-life balance whenever you can.

Our tech spaces are also an increasing area of boundary-crossing concern in romantic partnerships. Technology has quickly paved the way for an invasion of privacy and control.

More than half of respondents in a recent survey reported that communication technology was used in their intimate relationships as a means to monitor or manipulate.

As an adult, you have the right to secure your personal tech and accounts and keep your messages private. Communicating boundaries with new partners about our digital devices is a habit we must all start developing.

4. Get assistance or support

Defining and asserting your boundaries can get even trickier if you or a loved one lives with mental illness, depression, anxiety, or a history of trauma.

(Video) Setting Healthy Boundaries And Sticking To Them

“For example, a sexual assault survivor may have the boundary that they like to be asked before being touched,” Coats says. “Or an adult child of a person with narcissist or borderline tendencies may need to say ‘no’ more often to their parent to protect their own feelings.”

If you’re experiencing challenges with setting or asserting boundaries, or if someone is causing you difficulty by crossing them, never hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional.

Having a traffic light to guide us in assessing boundaries would be helpful; however, we can tap into other ways of being mindful and not overstepping. It all comes down to communication and being aware of other people’s space.

Here are three beginner rules to follow.

1. Watch for cues

“Noting social cues is a great way to determine another’s boundaries,” Reigns says. “When talking with someone and they step back when you step forward, you’re being given information about their comfort level with closeness.”

Possible hints someone might want more space:

  • avoiding eye contact
  • turning away or sideways
  • backing up
  • limited conversation response
  • excessive nodding or “uh-huh”-ing
  • voice suddenly becomes higher-pitched
  • nervous gestures like laughing, talking fast, or talking with hands
  • folding arms or stiffening posture
  • flinching
  • wincing

2. Be inclusive of neurodiverse behaviors

Cues will be a little different for everyone. Also keep in mind that some people may use certain gestures all the time, may not provide cues, may have different cues, or may not pick up on the subtleties of your cues.

Neurodivergent” is a newer term used to describe people who live with autism, are on the spectrum, or who have other developmental disabilities. Their social cues may be different from the norm, such as poor eye contact or difficulty starting a conversation.

3. Ask

Never underestimate the power of asking. You can inquire if a hug is OK or if you can ask a personal question.

We can really think of setting boundaries as fortifying our relationships with others rather than building walls to keep people out. But boundaries do another important thing for us.

They can clue us in to behavior that might be harmful. Think about the front door to your home or apartment. If someone breaks it down, you know there’s a problem.

“Oftentimes, we push our instincts aside because we are convinced they are unreasonable, or we have been taught not to trust them,” Coats says. “But if something feels consistently uncomfortable or unsafe, it is a red flag that abuse may be a problem.”

If someone is repeatedly pushing or violating your boundaries, listen to your gut.

And to avoid being the one doing the boundary busting, Coats says, “Ask people in your life to be honest with you about if you are pushing any boundaries. This may feel scary, but it will most likely be met with appreciation and will mark you as a safe person to set boundaries with.”

(Video) 📢 Mental health & content creation go hand in hand.

Jennifer Chesak is a Nashville-based freelance book editor and writing instructor. She’s also an adventure, fitness, and health writer for several national publications. She earned her Master of Science in journalism from Northwestern’s Medill and is working on her first fiction novel, set in her native state of North Dakota.


How do you set healthy boundaries in your life? ›

5 Effective Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries
  1. Visualize and Name Your Limits.
  2. Openly Communicate Your Boundaries.
  3. Reiterate and Uphold Your Boundaries.
  4. Don't Be Afraid to Say No.
  5. Take Time for Yourself.
  6. How Much Time You Spend Together.
  7. Setting Physical and Sexual Boundaries.
  8. Respecting Emotional Boundaries.

Why is setting healthy personal boundaries important? ›

Healthy boundaries are necessary components for self-care. Without boundaries, we feel depleted, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or intruded upon. Whether it's in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries may lead to resentment, hurt, anger, and burnout.

How do you set boundaries and learn to say no? ›

3 Ways to Set Boundaries and Learn to Say "No"
  1. Practice tuning in to your inner sense of yes and no. The first step in learning to set boundaries is to try to uncover what your personal limits and guidelines are. ...
  2. Learn how to tolerate the reactions of others. ...
  3. Engage in acts of compassionate self-care.
3 Jun 2016

What happens when you set boundaries? ›

When we set boundaries, we're less angry and resentful because our needs are getting met. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated. Boundaries are the foundation for happy, healthy relationships.

How do you set boundaries examples? ›

What are examples of boundaries in relationships?
  1. Expecting others to communicate during disagreements with maturity.
  2. Letting go of codependency and having your own identity.
  3. Asking for personal space and quiet when you're working.
  4. Voicing your concerns rather than holding onto resentment.
13 Apr 2022

How do you set boundaries and say no can help in resolving an unhealthy relationship? ›

Setting boundaries is particularly hard when others use pressure, guilt trips, or controlling tactics.
Here are seven ways she became better at saying no.
  1. Honor your worth. ...
  2. Seek strength. ...
  3. Delay the response. ...
  4. State your boundary as a policy. ...
  5. See the other's motives. ...
  6. See through the power. ...
  7. See through the entitlement.
28 Oct 2019

How do you say no and set boundaries to reduce stress? ›

Steps to setting better boundaries
  1. No boundaries = little self-esteem. ...
  2. Use your core values. ...
  3. You can't change others, but you can change you. ...
  4. When someone else pushes your boundaries. ...
  5. Let your behaviour, not just your words, speak for you.
12 Jan 2019

What to say when you are setting boundaries? ›

I'm putting my needs first and you won't make me feel guilty. I don't feel like I have a chance to voice my opinion. I feel shut out when you take over the conversation. I understand how you feel.

What does it mean to set boundaries for yourself? ›

When you set a boundary with yourself, you're saying: “Here's the line between what's okay for me and what's not. Here's the line that I won't cross.” We set boundaries for ourselves because we love and respect ourselves. Boundaries keep us safe and healthy. They keep our lives running smoothly.

Why do you think setting boundaries is important? ›

Establishing boundaries is good for you and the people around you. When you're clear about your boundaries, people will understand your limits and know what you are and aren't OK with, and they'll adjust their behavior. The people who don't respect your boundaries are ones you may not want in your life.

How do you set boundaries with people? ›

7 ways to set better boundaries
  1. Get crystal clear on your priorities. ...
  2. Communicate what you will and will not tolerate. ...
  3. Listen to your gut instinct. ...
  4. Think about the impact of your actions. ...
  5. Do things because they make you feel good. ...
  6. Offer an alternative. ...
  7. Be direct and firm with your answer.
27 May 2018

How do you say no in a healthy way? ›

15 simple ways to say No:
  1. That won't work for me.
  2. That doesn't resonate/feel right.
  3. I feel I need to take time for me right now.
  4. My body really wants/needs to dance tonight.
  5. I would rather be in nature on my own.
  6. An early night is the better option for me.
  7. I don't feel like it.
  8. I'm not able to.

What are examples of boundaries? ›

Some examples of personal boundaries might be: I'm cool with following each other on social media, but not with sharing passwords. I'm comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public. I'm okay with regularly texting, but I don't want to text multiple times in an hour.

How do you set boundaries with friends and say no? ›

And why not subscribe. So you can keep learning more it's free number one listen to your instincts.

How do I set boundaries for myself? ›

10 Ways to set and maintain good boundaries
  1. Enjoy some self-reflection. ...
  2. Start small. ...
  3. Set them early. ...
  4. Be consistent. ...
  5. Create a framework. ...
  6. Feel free to add extras.
  7. Be aware of social media. ...
  8. Talk, talk, talk.

How do you set boundaries without hurting feelings? ›

Keep the focus on your feelings and needs.

Setting a boundary is about communicating what you need and expect. In the process, it may be important to gently call out someone's hurtful behavior, but that shouldn't be the focus. Focusing on what someone has done wrong is likely to make them defensive.

Are boundaries a form of control? ›

When setting a boundary, you're expressing your needs in a clear and direct way. Boundaries are never punitive or controlling—but it's sometimes not easy to tell the difference between a healthy boundary and an attempt to manipulate or control when you're on the receiving end.

What does setting healthy boundaries look like? ›

A few examples of a person exhibiting healthy boundaries include: Being able to say, "no," and accept when someone else says, "no" Being able to clearly communicate both wants and needs. Honoring and respecting their own needs and the needs of others.

How do you build emotional boundaries? ›

Setting Emotional Boundaries
  1. Say no – to tasks you don't want to do or don't have time to do.
  2. Say yes – to help.
  3. Say thank you with no apology, regret or shame.
  4. Ask for help.
  5. Delegate tasks.
  6. Protect your time – don't overcommit.
  7. Ask for space – we all need our own time.
1 Apr 2016

What are good boundaries to set? ›

Examples of Personal Boundaries
  • Your Right to Privacy. ...
  • The Ability to Change Your Mind. ...
  • Your Right to Your Own Time. ...
  • The Need to Handle Negative Energy. ...
  • The Freedom to Express Sexual Boundaries. ...
  • The Freedom to Express Spiritual Boundaries. ...
  • The Right to Remain True to Your Principles. ...
  • The Ability to Communicate Physical Needs.
19 Sept 2022

How do narcissists enforce boundaries? ›

Ask a Therapist: “How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist”
  1. Don't let them talk to you any way they want. ...
  2. Don't let them treat you in a disrespectful or hurtful manner. ...
  3. Ask them not to share your personal information with others. ...
  4. Demand they respect your opinions and thoughts. ...
  5. Insist that they listen when you say “no”
4 Feb 2022

How do you say no actual phrases for better boundaries? ›

Building Healthy Boundaries: 14 Different Ways to Say No
  1. 'No' as a complete sentence: “No, thank you” or “No, thank you. ...
  2. Vague but firm: “Thank you for asking me, but that is not going to work for me.”
  3. Referral/Delegation: “I won't be able to, but why don't you ask Joe?
7 Oct 2022

How does boundaries help with stress? ›

When you set your boundaries in specific situations, you need to take into account practical factors like the “cost” of setting boundaries. They also allow you to be clear on issues such as guilt (should you feel guilty?) and motivation (is it worth it?), so you can move forward with the least amount of stress.

What do you say when someone doesn't respect their boundaries? ›

Asking yourself what your needs are and taking space are important steps in dealing with someone who doesn't respect boundaries.
Some ways to speak up to a boundary violator include:
  1. “That's not going to work for me.”
  2. “I can't do this right now.”
  3. “Here is what I can do.”
18 Jun 2021

How do you set healthy boundaries at work to avoid burnout? ›

How to set boundaries at work and avoid burnout
  1. Determine your priorities and communicate them.
  2. Set clear expectations about your working hours.
  3. Take control of your calendar.
  4. Say “no” to extra projects.
  5. Take breaks and time off.
13 Aug 2022

How do you set boundaries with someone you like? ›

Examples of healthy boundaries in relationships
  1. ask permission.
  2. take one another's feelings into account.
  3. show gratitude.
  4. are honest.
  5. give space for autonomy and avoid codependence.
  6. show respect for differences in opinion, perspective, and feelings.
  7. sit with the other person's communication of emotion.

What does it mean to set boundaries with someone? ›

When you set a personal boundary, you're essentially saying, “This is what I'm okay with, and this is what I'm not okay with.” Effective boundaries protect our personal space, our physical and mental health, and our safety and security.

What is a healthy boundary? ›

In general, “Healthy boundaries are those boundaries that are set to make sure mentally and emotionally you are stable” (Prism Health North Texas, n.d.). Another way to think about it is that “Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even nonexistent.

What happens if you don't set boundaries? ›

If you don't set boundaries, people won't know how to act around you, and you will be left feeling disrespected. The other side of this coin is that without your own boundaries you are less likely to recognise those of others, and might unwittingly be disrespecting them.

How do you set boundaries to protect your mental health? ›

8 Tips on Setting Boundaries for Your Mental Health
  1. Give yourself permission to focus on yourself and make your safety and comfort a priority. ...
  2. Practice self-awareness. ...
  3. Name your limits. ...
  4. Be consistent with the boundaries you've set. ...
  5. If you aren't sure where to start: Use “I Statements” ...
  6. Be direct, clear, and simple.

How do you set boundaries with toxic people? ›

And remember, some toxic people thrive on breaking the very boundaries that you're trying to keep intact.
  1. Identify your core values. ...
  2. Stay calm, and communicate your boundaries. ...
  3. Limit the time you spend with them. ...
  4. Assess your social media. ...
  5. Don't expect change right away.
31 Jan 2020

What are the 7 boundaries? ›

7 Types of Boundaries You May Need
  • What boundaries do you need? ...
  • 1) Physical Boundaries. ...
  • 2) Sexual Boundaries. ...
  • 3) Emotional or Mental Boundaries. ...
  • 4) Spiritual or Religious Boundaries. ...
  • 5) Financial and Material Boundaries. ...
  • 6) Time Boundaries. ...
  • 7) Non-Negotiable Boundaries.
23 Apr 2020

What are boundaries examples? ›

Some examples of personal boundaries might be: I'm cool with following each other on social media, but not with sharing passwords. I'm comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public. I'm okay with regularly texting, but I don't want to text multiple times in an hour.

How do you create personal boundaries? ›

10 Ways to set and maintain good boundaries
  1. Enjoy some self-reflection. ...
  2. Start small. ...
  3. Set them early. ...
  4. Be consistent. ...
  5. Create a framework. ...
  6. Feel free to add extras.
  7. Be aware of social media. ...
  8. Talk, talk, talk.

What are the two types of boundaries? ›

At a convergent plate boundary, one plate dives (“subducts”) beneath the other, resulting in a variety of earthquakes and a line of volcanoes on the overriding plate; Transform plate boundaries are where plates slide laterally past one another, producing shallow earthquakes but little or no volcanic activity.

What does the Bible say about setting boundaries? ›

Boundaries need to exist in relationships for love to be true, genuine, and purely motivated. For example, Proverbs 25:17, “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.” This one can't get any more clear.

What boundaries should a woman have? ›

10 Non-Negotiable Boundaries All Strong Women Should Have For Their Lives
  • Identity Boundaries.
  • Belief System Boundaries.
  • Standards Boundaries.
  • Emotional Boundaries.
  • Energy Boundaries.
  • Mental Boundaries.
  • Time Boundaries.
  • Physical Boundaries.

How do you respect boundaries? ›

Healthy boundaries: Setting and respecting them
  1. Be self-aware. First, take some time to figure out what you need in your various relationships. ...
  2. Know your worth. You are not responsible for the other person's reaction to the boundary you're setting. ...
  3. Get consent and respect their decision. ...
  4. Bottom line: Communicate.
19 Aug 2019

What is your personal boundaries? ›

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

What happens when you don't set boundaries? ›

If you don't set boundaries, people won't know how to act around you, and you will be left feeling disrespected. The other side of this coin is that without your own boundaries you are less likely to recognise those of others, and might unwittingly be disrespecting them.

How do you set boundaries without being mean? ›

Keep the focus on your feelings and needs.

Setting a boundary is about communicating what you need and expect. In the process, it may be important to gently call out someone's hurtful behavior, but that shouldn't be the focus. Focusing on what someone has done wrong is likely to make them defensive.

What to do when someone keeps crossing your boundaries? ›

How to Deal with Someone Crossing Your Boundaries
  1. Communicating boundaries.
  2. Setting consequences.
  3. Limiting engagement.
  4. Persistence.
  5. Remain calm.
  6. Next steps.

Why boundaries are important in relationships? ›

The Importance Of Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries create trust and build healthy relationships. Even when some people don't like what you do, they will likely still respect you for standing up for what you believe in. Boundaries also generate safety in relationships.


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